Planet shouts out to its homeys: Word... Microsoft Word!
FOCUS ON URANUS
As of today, Planet Magazine has officially filed papers with the United Nations proclaiming ownership of the planet Neptune (we didn't want to touch Pluto, since we don't want a trademark fight with Disney, at least for now).
Our subsidiary running the planet will be a virtual one, based in cyberspace, rather than outer space (what's the difference, anyway), and one of its first acts can be announced here today (following the filing of another sheaf of paper with the SEC, et al, this morning): The planet Neptune (a unit of Planet Magazine), hereby announces its intentions to acquire the planet Uranus (a military base of the Baht-Hol Empire) in a 200-billion-galactic-dollar deal.
Note that these are galactic dollars, not U.S. dollars, each planetary-stock-unit-based G-buck being worth one million U.S. dollars (Ha! that ought to wipe the smile off the faces of those nouveau riche Earth-based Net and media companies and their pathetic hundred-billion-dollars-or-so deals that I so wish I had had the foresight to have been part of).
The SEC requires us to disclose that our future actions may include other acquisition opportunities closer in-system, perhaps a gas giant, perhaps one of the warmer worlds. We intend to stay away from Mars for now, which is currently in an ownership dispute among Kim Stanley Robinson, Greg Bear, Brian DePalma, the heirs of Ray Bradbury, and the Mars Candy Co. (Venus, luckily, is now in the public domain, as the estate of John Carter has let its claim lapse).
Rest assured, fellow Earthlings, that We @ Planet Magazine have no designs on the Planet Earth, although that's mainly because we believe it is far overvalued right now, even if we could come to an agreement with the many contentious, interested parties therein. Anyway, Microsoft owns it already.
So, with the creation of these cyber-based virtual corporate mergers, we believe the Internet just got bigger again by an entire order of magnitude. Can you say "Dow 100,000"? How about "Dow 1,000,000"? We believe the IPO deals coming down the pike will be hugely huge -- one day, very soon, we expect to do an Internet-merger deal worth one trillion G-dollars, and eventually a deal worth Infinity G-dollars! That's right, INFINITY G-DOLLARS! And that's just the barest beginning! Even the so-called New Paradigm has become decoupled from reality! There is literally no end in sight!
As our editorials have accurately predicted, all of us one day will become chat-enabled bio-robots in intelligent flying cars, leisurely zipping off through local hyperspace to visit methane-cloud-dwelling relatives on Sony Saturn, right next to the new, second sun, Yahoo! Jupiter, which brightly lights the warm outer planets and their millions of happy, super-smart chimps toiling in the fast-growing Crack Fields of Planet Magazine Uranus and in the upgrade-processing, back-office cubicles of Planet Magazine Neptune, much of that, by the way, constructed with raw materials scavenged from the inexplicably shattered planet Pluto.
What's more, all of this -- every bit of this vast, technologically boiling nexus, every single iMac-fueled planet and every MP3-ripping entity within known space -- will be entirely contained within a decorative spherical crystal paperweight on a mahogany shelf in the den of my new galaxy-spanning SUPER-HOME currently being built in 15 dimensions.
More Shall Be Revealed,
Andrew G. McCann, editor
A NOTE FROM THE EDITOR:
"Hey, Y2K is coming; so where's my flying car?"
How many times have you heard that phrase? Well, now the future is here, of course. So, starting with the March 2000 issue, Planet Magazine has decided to publish only in FCML format. FCML (flying-car markup language) is designed to be read by drivers viewing pop-up, holographic screens in automated aerial vehicles moving in excess of 1 kilometer per second against a fast-changing background. See you in the wild blue yonder!
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Visited your site and was quite impressed! What a fine addition to the online literary community!
Stirring : A Literary Collection
I put together an e-publication called The Arthouse Underground at http://www.frankmedia.com. My site maintains a fairly extensive link section to alternative literary sites. I cordially invite you
to view the Arthouse Underground site.
I just wanted to ask you all to mention to your readers that there's a grand experiment running at http://marecrisium.tripod.com/. I've opened what I hope will become an online writing workshop for speculative fiction. It's not as grand as the Del Rey one, but then I'm not a publishing house with a full-time Web staff, either.
Head Lion Tamer
(okay, so I'm jealous and wanted a cool moniker)
LETTERS TO BOY BANDS
Last night I was giving some thought to the issue of unrecognized genius and how it pertains, or perhaps to what degree, to my home page. Now, starting off with what is, granted, a minor point, one finds that lkjhvajsdfhlaskjvnzlk... [GLOBAL INTERNET ADMIN USAGE ALERT: Please note that transmission of the above letter to the editor was halted because said message exceeded the "Don't Even Go There " parameters recently implemented by the United Nations Information Superhighway Foundation, Zurich.
That is all.
Dear Backstreet Boys:
I'm searching for funding for my new invention: the Tele-Scone. This device is the ultimate in convergence, marrying the innards of a cheaper, smaller, faster, and heat-proof cell phone with the exterior of a tasty, crusty, hot, and delicious scone! Just flip open the special crumb-free Tele-Scone, dial a phone number, and talk with your mouth full! Just remember to finish your conversation before you finish the scone! Then just drop the nontoxic, one-piece cell phone bones into the nearest trash receptacle and head on over to your local Tele-Scone franchise store to purchase a fresh new unit! The starting price for a single Tele-Scone is expected to be only $139.99 each, and each unit comes with a free grande-small cup of Starbucks coffee!
Stu P. Dough
Dear Beach Boys:
As for search engines, I used to use askjeeves.com. Now I use askjesus.com. What's cool is that the site answers me in my head, in my own voice! And it tells me that only I, if I learn the correct spells, can release my lord from the tight wizard-forged chains that bind him in his barrowland prison! So that's what I mean when I talk about "Jesus". Um, what was the initial question again?
Cray Z. Wackeau
Dear Take That:
Whoa. Wish I hadn't taken that green pill offered to me by Morpheus. I know too much now. I know that I'm just a character in an e-zine, and that most of the other characters in this publication don't know what they truly are -- fictional. I should have taken the yellow "caution" pill, or maybe just the red "stop" one. Then I could be still kicking back and eating rare steak in some sci-fi adventure. Now I'm just tired of it all and feel myself turning into one of those scary Net bots, like MySimon, and then maybe I could forget this terrible knowledge I hold. But, whoa, no! I can't do that, because then I wouldn't have anything to talk about at dinner parties or when I write letters to the editor.
Nee O. One
I've never learned Irish dancing, and the world is certainly a better place for it.
Dear Paul Revere and The Raiders:
If you're reading this and you're one of those scrawny little gray aliens, then get new "Ali-endurance!" and bulk up those toothpick arms. It's very nice! In fact, excellent!
Dear Culture Club:
Hi, I run one of those big dot-com portals, and we want advertisers to know that we've been able to capture a lot of eyeballs. A mountain of eyeballs, in fact. And I stuffed them all into a basement room in my house in Santa Monica.
Dear All Saints:
I think it's fair to say that the Internet is going to be the single most fantastically unbelievably world-shaking hugest change to come down the pike since Marco Gutenberg invented the movable book. Hey, if people don't get hip to the 'Net, then they better kiss themselves, their family, and everything they now and love, goodbye. And every time I gaze into those glassy bug-eyes of that Amazon.com guy, I know I am SO blessedly right.
Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!!
I am Annoying Man!!
P.S. Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!! Greetings! I am Annoying Man!!
I am a freak of nature. I try to lose weight and can't! No matter how many cookies and donuts I cut from my diet (substituting them with chocolate cake) I don't seem to lose a pound! I give up.
I. Giff Upp
Dear 98 Degrees:
Speaking of that new Tom Hanks movie, "The Green Mile", like the little mouse in it, I was also nicknamed Mr. Jingles. Back in high school I had all the keys to the special rooms on a big ring on my belt -- keys to the Chess Club, the Audio-Visual Room, the Non-Loan Reference Book Library, and the refreshment storage closet for the pretty much unused "Kidz Rap" counseling room. And as kids would punch me as I'd walk down the corridors, my keys would "jingle" -- hence the nickname.
Dear Editorial Staff of Planet Magazine:
I wanted to let your readers know that I have black-market videos for sale of the latest Hollywood releases! These are the same movies you have to shell out big bucks to see! The only problem with them is that in every case I accidentally left the lens cap on for the entire movie. However, we guarantee that the actual film is what you're buying! And you can also kinda hear the sound tracks.
Hal E. Wood
P.S. We've got a special deal: Buy the first film for double the price, and get the second film for free!