Special Bonus for the Readers of Planet!!
From the seemingly friendly Editorial Staff
Get a free Planet Magazine "Alien-Invader Face" identification tattoo. Just follow the simple instructions below:
1. Press the button at the bottom of this page to generate an individualized tattoo.
2. Press your face against your computer screen.
3. The tattoo will adhere* to your face through our patented transvidermal pixelporation process!
4. Show off your new Planet face tattoo to all your friends and enemies! Attend parties! Take on a new lover! Quit your job! Rob a bank! Enter a rehab! Make the stars your destination! The possibilities are endless! By Odin, this is your chance to really LIVE! Carpe Diem!
Please note: If the tattoo doesn't take at first, just keep trying and trying and trying and trying.
Special benefits of Planet tattoos include the following:
- All banks registered in the State of Ohio will let you use your facial tattoo at ATMs instead of a PIN number. Just hold your face up against the ATM screen, tap in your PIN, and wait. Just keep waiting. Even if people in line behind you gnash their teeth and denounce you!
- Owners of a Planet facial tattoo are entitled to a FREE bowl of Groink Soup** on Mondays in the cafeteria of Planet Magazine's backup secret lair deep in an undisclosed location beneath the oceans of Europa!
* Warning: All tattoos are permanent and cannot be removed, except through our expensive, patented photectonic faciasandblasting process. Enquire about our easy 30-year, fixed-payment rates for this process at firstname.lastname@example.org. The survival rate for this process is fairly high!
** And now, Ladies & Gentlemen, a testimonial for Groink Soup:
For a long time I thought I was allergic to Groink Soup; then one day I discovered the culprit actually was the hair they don't shave off before slaughtering these delicious critters. Since there's no way to extract the eighth-inch-long hairs once they're in the soup, I guess I'll have to forfeit this particular benefit of Planet tattoos. But I did try the high-pressure Phrraaapuccino instead. It was good, although it gave me the bends when I ascended to the surface of Europa too quickly.
Sorry, that's the best testimonial we could find.
Warnings: DON'T EAT THE NASAL FISTULA IN GROINK SOUP!!!! They've got hairs that are poisonous! If you have eaten them, however, check to see if you have glutinous excretions from your nails. If so, then youre in deep trouble. Its best to stick to the wings and the beautiful hind eyes of this critter, and separate out the hairy parts, if you just can't resist Groink Soup. And we sure can't!
And now, here is the button you must press to generate your own, individualized tattoo:
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