The Planet Magazine Interview
Interview With a Psychic Vampire
Conducted by Andrew G. McCann
Planet Magazine: We are here today interviewing the famed horror writer and psychic vampire Letat Cest Moi, who frankly has been reluctant to be interviewed, which we found galling. Perhaps his ambivalence was due to the venue we originally chose: high noon on the pool deck of the Beverly Hills Hilton. So, here we are this evening in a cave somewhere in the mountains of upstate New York. Most unpleasant.
Letat, the Psychic Vampire: I see. [The vampire thoughtfully and slowly walked across the cave to the entrance. For a long time he stood there against the dim light from the torches of the angry-but-fearful villagers assembled at the foot of the hill below us. I could see the furnishings of the cave more clearly now, the round oak table, the chairs, the Playstation 2 console on the dirt-packed floor. Hmmm. He's got a copy of Mr. Mosquito. No surprise there. A wash basin hung on one wall with a poster from Macworld NY, trumpeting the release of Mac OS 10.2. A Mac user -- figures.]
Planet: Look, can we get on with this charade? My bracketed description above is close to exceeding "fair use" of Ms. Rice's work under copyright laws, as I don't think this interview will qualify as a parody; it's too dated as a concept and seems likely to end up as a shaggy-dog kind of bad joke, like most of these "wacky text thingies" that too often appear in Planet. I guess I'm like The Musician Currently Known As Prince, or maybe Mariah Carey, or even George Michael: I lack judicious artistic guidance from someone more experienced and disciplined. However, I am hoping that my usual ploy of "honestly" acknowledging my humor's shortcomings by itself will yield the minimum amount of required chuckles. It's a comedic principle, in fact.
Planet: Fine. Be like that. So, my first question is, Where do you get your ideas?
Letat: That's the question I get asked most often.
Planet: Well? Where DO you get your ideas for the many books that you've written, whose titles I haven't had the time to invent for this fictional interview?
Letat: Oh, come on. Can't be answered.
Letat: Well what? Well water? [Laughs.]
Planet: Are you going to answer the question or not?
Letat: It's a ridiculous question. Hey, you know what?
Letat: It's kinda hard to tell who's the real psychic vampire here.
Planet: Wow, that's heavy. So why was my question ridiculous?!
Letat: Because... well, how can you possibly ask where a writer gets his or her ideas? I mean, really. It's absurd.
Planet: No it is NOT absurd! Why are you being so cagey?! Tell me, dammit! Where do you get your ideas!
Letat: I... uh...
Planet: Don't stall. Say it. Say it NOW. WHERE DO YOU GET THEM?!
Planet: What? Stop mumbling, and TELL ME NOW!
Letat: I... I steal them. My ideas. I steal them from other people. And just... change them slightly, so I don't get into trouble.
Planet: Huh, thought so. Well then, where do these other writers get their ideas?
Letat: I have no idea. Ask them yourself.
Planet: Don't be ridiculous. Now, one last question, which is my traditional interview "closer": Can you tell us what was your most embarrassing moment as a writer?
Letat: Other than this interview?
Planet: Not necessarily.
Letat: This interview, then.
Planet: Thanks much.
Letat: Much thanks.
Planet: Hey, wait a minute! There you go again -- stealing! You took my patented way of saying thanks at the end of an interview -- "Thanks much" -- and changed it slightly, so as to avoid International Copyright Laws on Interview-Ending Ways of Saying Thanks!
Planet: [Gales of laughter ensue.]
Letat: [Responding gales of laughter ensue, but slightly changed to avoid International Copyright Laws on Laughter.]
OFFICIAL NOTICE: The final 300 pages of this sportive-yet-redundant backchat have been deleted, and a freeze frame inserted, by Gilded Order of the Most Grand and Ornate Global High Council of Internet Advisers on Decency, Efficiency, and Orderliness. Thanks muchly.
Interview © 2002 by Andrew G. McCann firstname.lastname@example.org
Artwork © 2002 by Andrew G. McCann email@example.com
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