Editorial & Letters
Planet Magazine: Science fiction that will tranquilize you, ear-tag you, and drop you off 100 miles from home!
A Public Service Message
'Dear Captain Human Friend'
The following is a public service message from us (i.e.*, the editors) at Planet Magazine, which we submit to you (i.e., the readers) in the interests of galactic peace with the aliens (i.e., the E.T.'s). Below we reproduce, in its entirety, this essential message.
I believe I have just enough time left to append my signature.
Fear! I mean, Courage!
Andrew G. McCann, Editor
* i.e. = in ether words.
Dear Captain Human Friend
A Poem by Rarsts Broad-Orange-Tube,
Ambassador from the planet Ooreeil
Dear Captain Human Friend:
As you know,
My people communicate in awkward, non-rhyming verse.
Especially when we must write in your English language.
This spaceship is nice, although perhaps a little small, and
I look forward to seeing Earth and its bizarre wonders.
But I would like you to know
that the "boogers" which Second Programming Engineer Tim Waino
between his index finger and fascinating opposable thumb
do not magically disappear, as he seems to think, judging by his behavior
over these past six months in space (granted, I am not a trained
exo-psychologist, yet I have logged many hours of observation).
No, these boogers land on the floor,
which must be kept clean, as I need to intimately ooze from place to place.
As you full well know.
Why does Mr. Waino not see that? It is very clear to my multiple hi-res
eye-cluster stalks. And after all, a clean floor is Provision One of the
Mutual Pact, which you signed on behalf of ALL Earthlings.
Or have you conveniently 'forgotten' this so soon? Did not the Sacred
Skwlirtsh Ceremony, which we allowed you to witness,
underscore our needs?
Sometimes these boogers even land on my 'head'. And please note that
Mr. Waino is not the only booger-dropper on your staff (Corporal Reisser
comes to mind), although he is the main offender.
So please, we insist that you Humans keep these boogers in your
probosces until you can dispose of them properly -- else you risk
all-out, intergalactic nuclear conflagration.
Ooreeilian Ambassador to Earth
Letters to the Editor
Dear Editor: Please consider including a link to http://www.readassist.org on your website. The ReadAssist site contains pages of links to SF publishers, bookstores, e-books, fanac sites, and assistive technology for the blind and disabled.
Dear Editor: The inaugural Annual Wooden Rocket Awards were launched today to identify online excellence in the science fiction and fantasy genre. The awards are voted on by the Internet's science fiction and fantasy fans to give recognition to their favourite web sites across a wide range of genre categories. The award ceremony will take place in June 2003. Further details and entry forms are available at the official Wooden Rocket Award site at http://www.WoodenRocket.com.
Wooden Rocket Awards
Dear Editor: I like your webzine, and I just wanted to tip you off about my website. It contains five complete, ambitious SF novels, comic strips and several short stories... Please feel welcome to visit the site at http://pankrator.freeservers.com -- and do enjoy. :)
Dear Editor: Otherworlds Sci-Fi / The Connection is sponsoring a short story Contest. There will be prizes awarded as well as publication in a yearly anthology due for publication in the Summer of 2003. Please pass this information along to your readers and contributors who may want to participate. Check the following link for information: http://www.otherworldsscifi.com/ShortStoryContest.html
Thank you for your time,
Steven Macon / Editor
OTHERWORLDS SCI-FI / THE CONNECTION
Dear Editor: I'm going to be adding a link to Planet Magazine on my site. Obviously I like SF&F poetry but I don't find much of any quality.
Letters to Rejected Yu-Gi-Oh! Names
Dear Blue Eyes, Blonde Dragon: I underwent head-transplant surgery, which was fine, but when I woke up from it I had a different face. I just wanted to warn any of your readers who were thinking about undergoing head transplancy.
Dear Mystical Ralph: The problem with science-fictionism is that it takes up too many evenings. On the other hand, the only thing worse than science fiction is having no science fiction at all!
Dear Hotsy-Totsy Giant: I was reading a catalog the other day, when it suddenly hit me: Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, in that catalog was actually an advertisement! How could I have been so blind?! Is there no end to the tentacled conspiracy of the military/industrial/alien hegemony? Well, I guess not.
Jess U. Waite
P.S. Since you're probably wondering, I did end up purchasing a very snappy canary-lime business suit made of natural steel wool backed with hundreds of jointed, Durock-brand panels. The catalog told me to buy it. Anyway, it should be a hit at the office, post-alien-invasion, of course.
Dear Baby Diaper: I saw "Taken", Spielberg's new TV series. Talk about "taken"! That's how I felt! Anyway, I heard they are doing a sequel, about what happens after the abductions stop and some family members have not come back. It will be called "Took", although I heard the Tolkien estate is unhappy about it. Later, those family members not abducted but seemingly just right for abduction will star in a spinoff called "To Have Been Taken", And so on, etc.
Paul F. Smoak
Dear Remodeled-Kitchen: When I was a kid, all the other kids were smarter than me, more articulate, better at math, wittier. Even in high school I would get only middling grades at best, and on the weekends my dull conversation would fail to impress the girls at parties. So that's why I decided to get a silicone brain implant. Now my shiny, bulging forehead indicates a huge capacity for mental computations and verbal gymnastics. It's true I would have got more actual mind potential if I'd gotten a silicon -- rather than silicone -- cranial implant, but I'm only interested in appearances, anyway, since I'm not too smart. Plus, it's cheaper. So, what's the square root of a hypotenuse? I have no idea, but I LOOK like I have an idea!
Got Ta Partay,
Brayne E. Acke
Dear Very Limp: I have just finished my first full-length feature for Sundance. It's an examination of the persistence of desire in human nature for authority, and how that's hard-coded and hard-wired in us, as reflected in mass suggestion and herd behavior. Essentially, the plot revolves around a multitude of sleepy strangers, much like your readers. In my film, I tightly focus on each face and record a sustained yawn. That's it. The title of this masterwork is "You WILL Yawn!". But I don't want to give too much away.
I'm On My Way,
Phil M. Major
Dear Winged Dubya #1: One time in high school one of them black holes passed near me and my buddies, and all kinds of weird crap started happening. None of us knew if any of it was real, or if it was all just in our minds, and neither did the audience who was watching us on screen (how the audience got on screen I'll never know). And neither do you. Anyway, my point is that you have to watch out for them black holes. Of course, by 'black hole' I mean Assistant Vice Principal Isher.
Dear Muffin Man: I don't know who I am... or what I've become... But when "it" totally takes over, when I lose control, I LIKE it. All I know is that one moment I'm human, and the next moment I'm a computer-animated character with impossible speed, strength, and agility. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a movie -- especially since every day is the same and always finishes with giant letters saying The End. Still, could be worse. At least I have the super-ability to write letters to online magazines.
Dear Shadow Sphincter: I only know how to spell the first half of the word "look", like so: L-O, OK?
Wade N. Indeep
Dear Tyrone: Although I expect to be ignored, I am protesting the fact that I've been written out of the Lord of the Rings films -- not to mention being totally ignored by the LotR books as well! No, I am not Cthultor, the tenth member of the Fellowship, who was also unfairly overlooked (and who was profiled in the pages of last quarter's Planet Magazine). I was banished from Rohan by my half-brother, the pretender Eomer, who was actually fathered by Grima Wormtongue, who had a way with not only the King but also with the ladies. Everything I state here is true. Even so, the people of Rohan dispute my claims and say I am "just an ass". To which I say, OK, but what can I do about that!?
Ass of Rohan and Future King
Dear Battle Cow: I don't know what the big deal is about the human baby that got cloned. Me 'n' my buddies back in high school cloned a baby as a senior-year science project. We also had one of them UFO cults going too. It was a nice scam while it lasted; we had a good ride. Of course, by "cloning a baby", I mean "baking-soda volcano" and by "UFO cult", I mean just that.
Dear Middle Leg of Forbidden: Consider the following:
Do you need any more proof? I thought not.
Dear Editor: Everyone fears the giant sandworms of Arrakis, and rightly so, what with their razor-sharp crystal teeth and terrifying speeds. Still, the worst part of them, beyond their rank breath and the fearsome vortex of their "back ends", is the simple fact that they never bathe and stink to high heaven. They can't bathe, of course. Water kills 'em. Nonetheless, I blame Emperor Shaddam IV Hussein.
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